5 things I’ve learnt through the death of a close friend
- How unprepared I was
Up until my friend died, I had pretty much skipped through life, having not been particularly confronted with death. I had the, what I would call, ‘standard’ experiences of death and dying up until this point such as elderly people, grandparents and friends of friends, but nothing that was close. So when I experienced the shock of losing someone very close to me – in a very sudden way – it quite literally turned my life upside down. It made me look at my own life and how, in a heartbeat, everything could just go. It opened my eyes to wanting to live better, plan better and generally do things that mattered to me and my family.
2. No-one says the ‘d’ word
Death is such a loaded word. Initially, when my friend died, I couldn’t bring myself to say the word as it felt so final, cruel and real; but over time, I have taken ownership of the word. It made me question why I felt I couldn’t say she ‘died’ or she is ‘dead’. I found that as a society we sanitise the act of dying and death with words like ‘passed’ or ‘passed away’ which I can understand is more gentle, however I do think the words ‘death’ and ‘died’ have fallen out of the vernacular and so it feels alien when it is used – much in the way death can feel hidden. Now, I actively try and use the words ‘death’, ‘dead’ and ‘dying’ in a positive way in order to try and ‘normalise’ the terms and to not be afraid of them.
3. That death can be a catalyst for change
In the days following her death, I tried to keep going as normal and working and I remember sitting in a meeting with a guy I barely knew and just bawling my eyes out. He was amazing and opened up about one of his best friends dying 6 years previously and how it made him feel. One of the key things he took from that situation was to make fundamental changes in his life – changes that he still stands by 6 years on. Death is the end of something but will always prompt the beginning of something new – a pivot, a change of direction and ultimately, something positive.
4. That positives can come out of bad situations
Since she died, through talking, listening, searching and being kind to myself, I have made so many positive changes in my life. Channelling my energy and experience of death into something positive that helps other people has been a turning point for me and a vocation that I want to pursue. Realising how short life can be has made me more grateful and appreciative of the little things. It has made me prioritise myself and my family a lot more and I feel over all, out of this loss, I’ve become a better person.
5. How talking about death is enlightening
Rather than not mention her – I talk about my friend all the time. It has taken me time to be able to do this, but it feels right and I encourage my children to talk about her and bring her into the conversation. It might be that we hear a particular song that reminds us of her, or we remember going to a particular place we remember a funny story. For me, it’s a way of keeping her memory alive and appreciating the friendship we had.