Plan for tomorrow, live for today
Christmas can be a challenging time of year for those who have lost loved ones. Special events such as Christmas can bring about a lot of emotions and on top of the stresses of the day, the feeling of loss can be overwhelming. There are …
Adapted from a Guardian Money newspaper article 26th February 2022 Write a will A will names your beneficiaries – the people you want to inherit your assets you die and appoints executors – the people who will manage the financial process. However, more than half …
Like most of us, time has a habit of running away with us and all our best laid plans and intentions don’t always happen.
Early last year before we had even heard of Covid-19, I started recording my own podcasts about my experience of grief and how it had shaped my present thoughts and feelings. I was also lucky enough to have also had a willing friend to record an interview sharing her grief following the death of her mum. You can hear her story here: https://talkinglifeanddeath.com/podcasts
But with Covid, lockdown, home schooling and work, I haven’t had the chance to record anymore of my own podcasts on grief as I had planned – but I do hope to have the chance to pick this up again soon.
In the meantime, I have discovered some really inspiring podcasts on grief that I thought I would share – each offering a slightly different approach to talking about death, dying and grief:
The financial procedure that follows a death is referred to as probate and can – especially recently with COVID-19 – be a lengthy process. Probate is essentially about identifying the assets of person who has died, paying off any debts and sharing out the remaining …
Amongst the horrifying statistics of over 34,000 deaths across the UK as a result of the coronavirus, a recent BBC article shared the sad yet uplifting story of the Gompertz family and how they have created a national movement to recognise and celebrate friends and …
Early January marks the tradition for many of us to think about New Year resolutions. The dictionary defines a New Year resolution as “A promise to yourself or decision to do something, especially to improve one’s behaviour or lifestyle in some way, during the year ahead.” Although not for everyone, I like to *attempt* to make and keep at least 3 resolutions for the year ahead. Normally my resolutions would be around the clichés of:
But more recently, I have tried to make these more meaningful to me which prompted me to share some resolutions around grief that might be useful.
Here are my 5 Grief Resolutions for 2020.
1. Talk about it
When you feel ready, talking can really help the process of grief. By saying their name, remembering them and talking about them, you are helping to share your love and affection for that person. This is something I do regularly with my family. I bring my friend into the conversation – a picture of her, a song or a memory that pops up on Facebook. We can claim it and talk about it and raise a glass to her – especially at significant times such as anniversaries, Christmas and of course new year.
2. Write it down
Something that I have picked up during the last 2 years is writing in a diary. I had a diary when I was younger but it became a bit of a chore and something that I just didn’t have time for. Since I experienced loss and a big change in my life, I have found huge comfort in writing. Just a few lines at the end of the day – things that I’ve achieved, things that I’m grateful for. I’ve now kept a diary for 2 years and it has really helped to look back to 12 months previous to see how far I’ve come.
3. Remember them
When you feel ready, think of ways to remember and celebrate those you have lost. This is very personal and must be led by you, but there are lots of ways to positively channel your grief and how you choose to remember and celebrate your loved ones. You could do something physical such as participate in a challenge or run in their memory – there are so many charities that offer challenge events to raise money for a charity – choose one that means something to you. Closer to home, you could plant a tree or flower that reminds you of them. At the celebration for my friend, we gave everyone a packet of Forget Me Not seeds to plant. They flower every year around her birthday and is lasting reminder of her.
4. Be kind to yourself
I am guilty of putting on a brave face when I’m feeling terrible inside and doing things that I feel I ought to rather than what I want to. When you are grieving, putting yourself first and doing what feels right for you is so important. The power of saying ‘no’ can work wonders and listening to your body following its lead will help. It’s not rocket science, but eating well, resting (even if you can’t sleep) light exercise and being out in nature are all ways to nurture yourself and help you to give yourself time for the grief process to unfold.
5. Ask for help
As the award winning picture book ‘The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse’ by Charlie Mackesy says when asked what the bravest thing the Horse has ever said, the Horse replied “Help”.
Reaching out for help is brave and difficult and for many, unfamiliar. However, there is a wealth of different types of bereavement support available with groups, therapists and charities able to help you. For me, CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) has helped me not only with my grief but also coming out of a stressful work situation and helping look at challenges in a different way. For a list of accredited CBT counsellors in the UK, click here.
For more links to support, go to my Resources page.
It’s not often that your hobbies collide with real life and provide a ‘support’ to help in difficult times but – this is happening to me. Back in 2020, when swimming pools were shut and we were all told to stay 2 metres aware from …
It’s a worrying statistic, but according to a You Gov poll in 2017, 54% of UK adults do not have a will… The reality is, that if you don’t have a will when you die, your money, property and possessions will be shared out according …
Holidays and anniversary dates are always tough when you have lost a loved one. Birthdays, death anniversaries, Christmas… but one particular date that often brings up a lot of mixed feelings is Valentine’s Day.
Valentine’s Day – or St Valentine’s is defined as celebrating romantic love, making it a popular day for couples to spend together. It is traditionally associated with red hearts, romance, flowers, chocolates and the exchange of cards, called valentines, that express love.
Perhaps we should blame the media and the power of advertising as everyone and their dog, from restaurants, shops and even food jump on the band wagon of the ‘most romantic day of the year’.
To some – Valentine’s Day is a lovely day to mark their happy relationship and show each other how much their partner means to them. But for those who have lost a partner – it can be a painful reminder of that loss and what once was.
So how do you survive Valentine’s Day? Be your own Valentine….
Here are some tips:
Be kind to yourself
Easy to say but often not so easy to apply. Try not to compare yourself to your expectations of how you should be feeling or how others might be coping in their grief. If you lost a partner recently or its been many years – grief can catch you off guard – so accept that it is sad and allow yourself space to feel what you are feeling. Individual grief is unique and unpredictable.
If someone offers you help, accept it – its not a failure on your part but a way for them to show their support. Also don’t be afraid to ask for help either.
Create your own celebration
Knowing that Valentines day is an annual event – rather than fearing it and the memories it can bring up of loss, you can use it as a way to celebrate the relationship you had. This can be a positive way to reclaim the date and be a personal reminder of your partner. Perhaps creating a tradition of planting a flower, lighting a candle or cooking a meal that was their favourite.
If you wanted to share the celebration, you could invite your friends over and surround yourself with people that love you. Tell your friends one thing that you love about them and reclaim the day.
Write your own card
I always take great comfort in writing – it helps me to organise my thoughts and feelings – particularly when I’m feeling stuck.
Writing either a card or in a diary around how you are feeling and what you have learned through your grief can help evidence how far you have come. Write a card to yourself and ask yourself how do you feel at this point? What have you achieved? This can help you to check in with yourself and can become a timeline of your own journey through grief.
Rewrite the rules
Valentines day or any other holiday can be whatever you want it to be. Don’t feel the pressure to confirm – do what feels right for you.
If that means being on your own and not hiding your tears – then that’s ok.
If it means putting on a brave face and celebrating – that’s ok too. Make it day for you.
There simply is no right or wrong way to grieve.
To find professional bereavement support in your area click here.
It is human nature to try and fix problems, but there are some things that can’t be made better. In death, trying look on the bright side or fix something is a tool lots of people reach towards when talking to someone who has suffered …