Holidays and anniversary dates are always tough when you have lost a loved one.  Birthdays, death anniversaries, Christmas… but one particular date that often brings up a lot of mixed feelings is Valentine’s Day.

Valentine’s Day – or St Valentine’s is defined as celebrating romantic love, making it a popular day for couples to spend together. It is traditionally associated with red hearts, romance, flowers, chocolates and the exchange of cards, called valentines, that express love.

Perhaps we should blame the media and the power of advertising as everyone and their dog, from restaurants, shops and even food jump on the band wagon of the ‘most romantic day of the year’. 

To some – Valentine’s Day is a lovely day to mark their happy relationship and show each other how much their partner means to them.  But for those who have lost a partner – it can be a painful reminder of that loss and what once was.

So how do you survive Valentine’s Day?  Be your own Valentine….

Here are some tips:

Be kind to yourself

Easy to say but often not so easy to apply.  Try not to compare yourself to your expectations of how you should be feeling or how others might be coping in their grief.  If you lost a partner recently or its been many years – grief can catch you off guard – so accept that it is sad and allow yourself space to feel what you are feeling.  Individual grief is unique and unpredictable. 

If someone offers you help, accept it – its not a failure on your part but a way for them to show their support.  Also don’t be afraid to ask for help either.

Create your own celebration

Knowing that Valentines day is an annual event – rather than fearing it and the memories it can bring up of loss, you can use it as a way to celebrate the relationship you had.   This can be a positive way to reclaim the date and be a personal reminder of your partner.  Perhaps creating a tradition of planting a flower, lighting a candle or cooking a meal that was their favourite.

If you wanted to share the celebration, you could invite your friends over and surround yourself with people that love you.  Tell your friends one thing that you love about them and reclaim the day.

Write your own card

I always take great comfort in writing – it helps me to organise my thoughts and feelings – particularly when I’m feeling stuck. 

Writing either a card or in a diary around how you are feeling and what you have learned through your grief can help evidence how far you have come.  Write a card to yourself and ask yourself how do you feel at this point?  What have you achieved? This can help you to check in with yourself and can become a timeline of your own journey through grief.

Rewrite the rules

Valentines day or any other holiday can be whatever you want it to be.  Don’t feel the pressure to confirm – do what feels right for you.

If that means being on your own and not hiding your tears – then that’s ok. 

If it means putting on a brave face and celebrating – that’s ok too.  Make it day for you. 

There simply is no right or wrong way to grieve.

To find professional bereavement support in your area click here.